If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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