Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
