At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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