I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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