I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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