We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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