don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
