I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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