Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.