I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
where are you?
Hypothermia
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Randomize
