I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Randomize
