I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
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that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
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i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.