So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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