Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
