I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Four minutes until I can fart!
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
