Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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