yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
