I wish I could teleport
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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