Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
