I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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