there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
