Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
