I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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