i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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