New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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