First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
