I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
