I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
