I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
