I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
