my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
