I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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