just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
