Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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