I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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