I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i've created a new STD.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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