I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
