some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
