You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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