So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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