why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Randomize
