Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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