pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
