your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
