I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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