Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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