i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
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Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
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Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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