Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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