"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I wear drunk well.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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