watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
