it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm too high and old for this...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
