i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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