i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
