No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
