and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
