He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
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Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
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im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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