The maid of honor just puked.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
