Someone shit on the floor
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
