I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
